Bends with the remover to remove?...

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! It is an ever-fixèd mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

If you love someone, do you ask them to do things they find impossible?

Do you ask them to stay when everything in them is screaming to leave?

Do you steal the few moments of freedom they have left every day to satisfy someone else?

I guess that just means he loves me less than I love him. 

For 8 months now, I have given and given and given, and I keep asking for the one thing I need:

FREEDOM.

But it's the one thing he can't give me. We talk for hours of our future freedom, of plans and happinesses yet to come. But how much mud and shit do I have to slosh through before we get there? Some dreams may not be worth the years of suffering and work they require. Some dreams may. 

So which are these?

I need a man, someone that can, with me, put our needs, dreams, hopes, and ideas ahead of everyone else's. I need someone that can hear me when I cry for help. I need someone who can understand that I can't be caged in.

Part of me wishes I had never met him. That we had never started dating. I had JUST broken free of all the weights and shackles I've spent my LIFE carrying around, and now? I am burdened with new weights, new shackles, new people to impress.

I wish you would get rid of the instinct to run, he tells me. 

Then give me something to stay for. Come with me somewhere where we don't need to run. Neither of us. 

I know he can deliver on all the plans we've made.

But what if there isn't enough left of me to enjoy it? 

I'm young today. I'm energetic today. I want to be free today. 

My life has been full of laters, and tomorrows, and somedays. I guess I just foolishly thought that my laters were nows, my tomorrows were todays, and my somedays were quickly approaching.

When we met in the Dominican Republic, I thought I had finally found someone who would come on adventures with me. Who would realize that the dream of adults? It's bullshit. Living like your life is a never-ending gap-year is the only way to live. 

The way he spoke of his parents, I pictured the people who expected their children to find their own pathway; the kind of people who don't try to control or make decisions for them. All the things he was allowed to do were so opposite of what I was used to. It turns out they just control in a different way.

So part of me wishes I had never met him. Because the life that I want today? He cannot come with me. I came with him, I work for him, I sacrifice for him. 

He won't give an inch, and I've given a mile.

I don't want to leave him. But I want to leave. I wish that I finally had someone who loved me enough to make my wishes his wishes, as I have made his mine. 

I guess I always knew that I feel things differently than other people.