Chapter 6

That last night, I was alone. It was after Sister Sabey had left, after everyone else had gone to bed. In the scriptures, it says that Enoch’s heart swelled wide as eternity. That night, mine swelled wide as Armenia. I know what it is to regret. To wonder. To cower from the silence in shame. I know what it is to be the betrayer; Peter, realizing that he had denied the Christ three times. He wept bitterly. I wept bitterly. The tears in my soul at that point were long and jagged. And no amount of self-induced injury made it better. I remember wanting to tear the outside of me like so that it looked like the inside of me.

On Christmas, Anna wanted to have chocolate fondue. We bought everything we needed, and she was so excited. That night was especially bad. It was before she knew. I remember her coming into the room, in her brand new pajama pants that had come in her Christmas package. I was under the heavy Armenian blanket. The blanket that weighed you down so heavily that you couldn’t move.

Do I have to have Christmas by myself.?

I just lay there. If I opened my mouth, I didn’t know what was going to come out. A scream? A prayer? A song? Nothing? So I just lay there.

When I came out to brush my teeth, she was alone in the room off of the kitchen. The spices were standing in a row, casting long shadows on the ground. Basil, oregano, Mrs. Dash, Ranch packets. All watching as Anna pleaded alone. When she prayed, her body looked longer. Like she would stand up and tower over you.

But she’s so small.

The fondue lay barely touched in the middle of the table.

Silent night, Holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon virgin mother and child…..

I wonder what she was thinking that night. If she was hating me. If she was sad. If she was lonely. I know what I was thinking; I’m sorry.

That day in the office, Sister Smith and I fought. In front of President and Sister Harris. She told me she did care. I told her she acted like she didn’t. My body shaking with pain and anxiety, I only saw hard work. At any cost. Even me?

That day, I went home with sister Harris. It was one of the longest days of my life. She is one of the calmest women in the entire world. I don’t understand how someone can be that calm. I told her stories from my girlhood. She looks at me and says God gives those children to the mothers who can handle them.

Those children?!

Was I one of those children? What did she mean? I fumed as we cut up garments together. Size 44. Size 46. Geez, were these blankets or underwear? She put in a church movie. Talked about her children. Complained about her house. She didn’t even seem to realize that my spirit was screaming for help.

When Anna came up the stairs, I was waiting behind the banister. I was so confused. Do you want to be the one to tell her? He asked.

I’m your new companion! She said, that one smile on her face, the cheesy “I’m doing this to please someone else” smile.

We stayed for a few days. I ate mashed carrots. Rice floating in orange juice. Potatoes. She ate cereal with milk. We read those books; the one about the true role of women – that we are here to cater to the needs of our husbands. The one that talked about chastity as sexual fasting. What do you do at the end of a fast? It asked. Do you just sit down and eat like savages? No, you pray and thank the lord for the food. You mind your manners. It’s the same with sex.

We took those pictures. The ones with her looking like a character from Cats. Me looking like wendy from Peter Pan. To anyone else those look like crazy pictures of two lazy sister missionaries. We are the only ones that get it. They define an era. They are pain, humiliation, hope, spontaneity, femininity.

Brtsav?