Dear Mike

I've spent a lot of time thinking about you. About what we had, about who we were and who we are. And so I just have to tell you a few things. Not because I think it will change anything, because I don't. Not because I'm hoping or wishing for more. Just because it feels good to say it.

I've spent a few years thinking that whoever said "it is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all" was full of crap. And now, after more than 2 years, I think I get it.

They're right.

I've been going on tons of dates recently. And all of them prove one thing to me.

I loved you. There is a part of me that will never stop loving you. And, unfortunately, that part is big enough to make it impossible for me to give that much of my heart away again. If I did, it would stop beating. The next time I love, it will have to be less, or it will kill me.

So even if you never read this, and even if we never speak again, just let me say this: you are the satisfaction that lasts a lifetime. The amount of love I had for you was enough to last me for the rest of my days.

And that I would be happy living a celibate life, knowing that at one point, I loved.

I loved you.

November 26, 2009

What kind of person uses an email account as a journal? I don't even know. But since no one but me knows about said email account, it helps me sleep at night - knowing that my life is safely stored in binary in an unknown account in google. I don't even know why it matters. Who is going to read this? Some yet unborn daughter of mine? What does she look like? Who is her father?

Just a few things you should know about me first.... before we jump into any kind of cyber relationship, oh mystic void. I am 23. I am strawberry blonde naturally, though not by choice. I am 5'10" and "meduim build" - something that I hope will shortly change.I just got home from a mission which was served in Armenia, and Chicago. I'm sure the explanation for that will come out sometime. Just not now. I have never had a successful long-term relationship. I like to think that it's because I know myself and what I want so thoroughly that I know when I'm dating someone that's not it. Who knows if that's the real reason. Maybe I'm secretly ugly or unpleasant, and I'm just totally oblivious to the fact. Point is, I go long periods of time where I just casually date, and then get flung into short term, passionate romances which some life circumstance then prevents from continuing. Summer camp ends, boy goes home to Wales, girl goes home to California. Two long time friends share a few days and nights together with some hearty makinng out and some handholding in Disneyland and Palos Verdes... girl goes on mission. Two people who are CRAZILY attracted to another have a short tryst, and..... girl gets called back to her mission. Yes, that is my sad romantic history. Not to mention a long string of random makeouts to satiate the long suppressed sexual appetite of an 18 year old mormon virgin.

So Here I am. I'm 23. Single. A virgin (much to my dismay). I speak 3 languages fluently. I have a nice room in a nice condo in a nice part of town. and yet I just feel.... empty.

And there's no real reason why I should. My life is simple enough. Successful enough. I am just really sick of feeling alone. I don't want to label my milk anymore. I don't want to wake up alone anymore. I don't want to have a series of transient friendships and relationships that are just killing the time until I find the real person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

Something else you should know? I hate the unknown. Not suprises - they're fine. The unknown. Like what's at the bottom of a hill when you go sledding or ice blocking. What's at the bottom of the aqueduct you're sliding down. Skiing. Snowboarding. Skateboarding. Any and all of it - I hate it. And for a long time, I pretended to like it. I thought it made me adventurous and fun. I don't give a damn what it makes me look like anymore. I just don't want to do it. And no one can ever pressure me into it ever again.

It just doesn't seem fair to me, in terms of Karma, that other people get to be so happy when I feel like I deserve happiness too. I don't want to be single anymore. But maybe I still am because I think to far ahead. I went on a date last saturday, and I've already pictured our first kiss and holding hands and snuggling. I'm creepy and weird. But that's who I am, so I'm sorry. I don't like the unknown, remember? I like to know what's coming. If you could sit down on a first date and plan out the possible scenarios for how the relationship is going to play out, I would do it every time. But that sends a very controlling, creepy message.

I'm going to counseling right now because of what my counselor calls "an extreme caretaking personality". I've learned to negate my own needs and put the needs of others so far in front of my own that my own never get attended to. I still work at a job that's far away from my house and that takes me for granted because I don't want to leave during the busy season. I swallow my own needs in terms of my house as my roommate Jenny stomps all over me and I end up as her part-time maid. I admit I'm wrong when I'm right so that the other person can feel good. I don't give the answer first sometimes even though I know it because I know that it will make someone else feel good to give it. And I'm trying to get over this. So step number 1 comes tomorrow: I'm giving my two weeks in my job.

But what after that? I should have DONE something with my life at this point. Instead I have less than $100 in the bank, no car, no boyfriend, and a hair color I hate because everyone else seems to love it so much.

Is the only answer to become the selfish girl that I never wanted to be?

Let me tell you who I wish I was.

I wish I was tall, slender but curvy, with auburn hair and tan skin. I wish I could wear pencil skirts and snakeskin tops and tall boots without wondering if I'll get stereotyped. I wish I got asked out on dates at least once a week, preferably more. I wish I was still swimming, and was running and biking as well. I wish I had a boyfriend who adored me and let me adore him - who made me feel secure enough to adore him however I wanted. I wish I was the quiet, popular girl - that I was striking and kind. That I stuck up for what I wanted and that I helped others do the same.

Wishing don't make it happen though.

So, cyber void, I guess you get to be my log. Of how I'm going to become all the things I want to become. And I could wait until January, when it's even cold and I start getting even more depressed, or I could start now. Tomorrow. I'm going to quit my job, no apologies. I'm not going to apologize for who I am or how I feel. Because that's who I am and how I feel. I'm going to exercise and go hungry until I can put on my size 9 pants and stun. I'm going to go after the hard jobs and the big projects and the top grade. I'm going to be the woman I know I can be.

So by next friday night - what do I want to have accomplished? I want to have exercised every day. for at least 30 minutes. I want to be caught up in my school work,. and I'm going to do my darndest to get Alan to ask me out a second time.

Pretty good for a week, eh?