Chapter 12

Mike told me in an email that he wondered if he lied to me. If, in the moment, he actually felt like he said he did.

He was so different from any other man I had ever dated. Known. He was tall- taller than me, at least. He had dark, thick hair and dark, thick eyebrows. He was solid muscle. He had the prettiest honey colored eyes. When he smiled they squinted. His smile was wide and sincere, and he could grow a beard in a day. You eventually get used to the scruff. He was strong and handsome, with a jaw that could make women melt and a boyish charm that could soften the hardest disposition. He could pick me up and throw me around as if I weighed no more than a dried leaf. We would play like children – wrestle around and laugh and run and sing and dance and skip. But we had the most adult conversations that I had ever had.

I don’t remember the first time we stayed up almost all night. I just know that it kept happening. Night after night, on the lawn outside my apartment. We would bring two blankets, and just stare and the moon and talk. For hours. About his mission. About mine. About family, and heartbreak, and our pasts. I felt so safe and protected near him; sometimes I would fall asleep, and when I woke up in his arms he would kiss me on the forehead. This is what I’m going to remember, he said.

He slept a summer by my side

He filled my days with endless wonder

He took my childhood in his stride

But he was gone when autumn came…..

My dad came up to get me, again. This time, I wasn’t going so far. Just a hop, skip and a jump away. In my kitchen, they talked about Ruffle’s structural integrity over that of Lay’s. That the ridges make it more sound for holding dip.

Jennifer Mackay.

Rebecca Mock.

Victoria McCain.

His name has to start with an M and have a C in it, she told me matter of factly. Inside, my stomach leapt. He fits.

I want to stay here all night with you, he said. I want to savor every moment.

Sweety, you have a test tomorrow.

I don’t care. Let’s go swimming.

Somehow he convinced me, and we ended up swimming around in some public pool. Overtanned blondes in pink and turquoise bikinis sucking in and pushing out to impress the boys that crowded the hot tub. And then there was me and Mike. Alone in the pool. Teach me how to do swimmer stuff, he said. To be honest, he was pretty terrible at it. At one point, he lifted me up out of the pool by my ribs. My ribs that had been dislocated only 3 weeks earlier. I cried out like a child. He held me.

For a few weeks, Tiare had been trying to hook us up. He liked me, it turned out. One night, after racing home from work on my rusty bike, I launched my sweaty self up the stairs to get a drink of water. I was still out of breath, and didn’t notice him sitting, looking at me. Tiare tastefully left us alone, and in almost no time we were on the same couch, him holding me.

The first time he kissed me, he was so nervous his whole body was shaking. His lips were cold.

This isn’t like, a one time thing, is it? I asked him.

Of course not.

I liked him so much. And like quickly turned to love. I fell for that boy faster than a cripple without crutches. He only had to breathe and I loved him for it. Just his existence made everything that had happened okay. There was nothing bitter about it. It was all sweet.

Eatchel called me that Thursday. Said he wanted to come hang out with me before I headed back out on my mission. That he had someone he wanted me to meet. I said of course! Mike and I were sitting on my big leather couch – the beige one. No matter what it stayed cold. The leather was always cold. Eatchel called. I ran out the front door and down the cul de sac to meet him. I hugged him, and he said I brought you a present. And then she rounded the corner.

I can honestly say that no one could have given me a better gift. That no one has ever known my needs and wants as deeply as eatchel did when he drove to Idaho and back just so I could see her one more time before I left. I didn’t even try to hide the tears as she gave me that look. The one I know so well. The look that means that I matter. That entire weekend was a wonderful, colorful blur. I was with Mike when he rode his first roller coaster. We went on ride after ride after ride. Mike kissed me in the rain, in front of hundreds of people. Dipped me and planted one on me. It was that moment that I became his.

As we were riding the ski-lift over the park, he kicked my sandal off. I didn’t care. All I knew at that point is that I loved him. And that he was what I wanted. For the rest of my life.

When we left the park, we walked to Eatchel’s car. That ridiculous Mercedes that no 21 year old should feasibly own. The boys just stood there as we started to say goodbye. We giggled and ran away, far enough so they could just see our silhouettes. Mine voluptuous, curvy, tall. Hers small, petite. Her hair flowing down her back like a haphazard waterfall. Mine in two buns. Kinda like princess leia. She said that she loved me. That she didn’t know why, but keep going. That she would miss me.

When mike and I started walking away, I didn’t look back. I knew it would make it harder. I just started to cry. The further and further we walked, the harder and harder I cried. This time, I wouldn’t have her to help me. To understand me. This time, I wouldn’t be in Armenia. I wouldn’t be in that forgotten parcel of land where time stopped 100 years ago. Where blonde is gold and mountains are bare. You already proved to me and Him that you would do anything for him. Now go finish. Her last words to me face to face.

On the drive back to provo, Mike and I talked about the plan of salvation. We listened to our favorite genre, sex rock. That night, we said I love you.