Let's forget

I don't know how to begin.

I don't know what to say.

I don't want to give false hope. I don't want to give false expectations. I don't want to offend.

But I want to speak.

To write.

To tell the pain and joy and swelling and shrinking of my heart. To share how perfect the little moments are, and how scary and wide other moments become.

I feel as if I am standing on the edge of a wide chasm, with no bottom in sight. I am so high, so very high. One wrong step and I'll be plunging down, down....

I am so happy. So much happier than I've ever been. I feel like half of a whole; that my rough edges have matched up with someone else's, and that together, we form a perfect fit. I can't imagine my life as it was, and I can't imagine my future alone.

I wake up every morning happy, and adventurous, and excited.

Except for those few.

Those few when doubts creep in.

It's hard to tell what will set it off. This time, it was having to lie. "Did you go to church today?"

"Yes."

Little does she know I haven't been to church, out of choice, in over 7 months. That I don't plan to go back. That I need space.

I can't tell if I'm full of courage or full of fear. But it has to be one of the two.

It's funny; at some point, my family stopped being my family. The love is not unconditional; its as conditional a love as I've ever known.

He is my family. He loves me no matter what. He treasures me. He knows me. He has seen my soul, and he loves me for it.

I wish we could run, run and forget. Forget that there was every anything except us.