Bitch

So I read this book, once.

It's called "Why men love bitches".

This is the cover. I am ashamed to admit that I read this. Avidly.

And it talks about lots of things. Like why breakups are the worst (because you altered your whole life around this person, and now there's tons of empty stuff in your life when they are gone), and how to get your significant other to do things, and how to get out of doing the laundry and cooking. It's awesome. I bought it in Bangkok International Airport. I wanted it, but was too embarrassed to buy it in front of my extremely educated and literary sister. When her plane took off, that book was MINE.

One thing the author never really does is define, in one sentence, what a bitch really is. She describes this "tongue in cheek" bitch she is meaning to describe.

I am here today to define the word bitch.

Bitch (noun): A woman who does whatever she wants no matter what anyone else wants. No matter what.

Now that that is clear, I need to vent.

Swiss boyfriend's half ghanaian grandma (say that 10 times fast) is in town, and she is, by my definition, a BITCH.

The first 2 days, she was on her best behavior. Now, she has become a raging she-dragon of a woman, who I tiptoe around. Her presence has caused 2 fights in our relationship so far, and she has only been here 5 days.

Let me give you a few examples.

1) We went to a blues festival. She was cold. So she made swiss boyfriend's dad go get her a coat, and made swiss boyfriend's mom switch her seats. Then she got hot, so the whole process was reversed.

2) On the way home in the car, she got hot. SHE WAS WEARING A WOOL SWEATER. but her solution was to make swiss boyfriend's dad turn up the AC until I was shivering. Making me shiver, I might add, is a FEAT. I have a high tolerance for air conditioning, especially on a hot june day.

3) She has corrected my table manners at least once a meal since she has been here. I have a strong desire to eat everything with my hands and lick between my fingers when I am done.

4) 2 months a year, on sunday nights, a show I like comes on TV. I wait for it all week, sing the theme song all the time, and thing about it all the time. So on sunday nights, I'm pretty much uninterested in other people's plans. That's all I ask - 10 sunday nights a year. Last night, she decided that EVERYONE had to watch a movie together. No exceptions. So by the time swiss boyfriend and I got to watch the show, it was past midnight. We were up till 2. We work at 8. Thank you, swiss boyfriend's half ghanaian grandma.

5) She insists on cooking dinner, then complains about how stressful it is and how everyone expects her to cook, and she uses EVERY DAMN DISH IN THE HOUSE. And we clean up after her.

Here's the thing; swiss boyfriend's parents are awesome. And chill. And now, I know why. To survive any sort of relationship with this woman, one has to take an enormous daily chill pill.